I know, I know. It’s been a HOT minute since I updated. But listen, I’ll be very frank about this- I haven’t been in a good place.
Once we came home and began to adjust to life as we now know it, I lost myself. I guess you could call it depression, but it felt like so much more than that. Being lost. Hopelessness. Neglect. Immense sadness.
Imagine writing in a notebook or a journal. Think about your day and write it as it was. “I went to work, then I came home and made dinner.” The next 52 sentences are written to chronicle what happened in your day. The next line becomes just that- only a line. It doesn’t stay straight, but it strays from where it should be and before you know it your pen is all over the paper, a tornado of ink flooding what was once a well thought out description of what you did that day. Now you can’t read what you wrote. All you see is black.
That’s what my life has felt like since October 1, 2018. A swirl of black blurring the images of what life should have been.
Through a lot of prayer, I’ve managed to bring myself out of that hole, at least for the most part. There are still days where I struggle to maintain a smile or be joyful. I think that is to be expected.
Since my last post, there hasn’t been much that has happened. We are just continuing to live our lives and work on Annadelle’s therapy.
This past week we started an intense day treatment program at Thomas Hospital where Annadelle has been attending PT and OT three days a week, but now it is every single day from 8am-12pm. If I’m honest, it’s kicking my ass. I thought initially it was because I am not used to getting up so early, but I now think I can attribute most of my general feeling of being tired to a low carb induction which I began May 8th. This is known as the “low carb flu” that sometimes results as your body excretes excess sugars in order to use fat for energy rather than carbs. Since I’m almost through the first week, I’m know that sluggish feeling will go away soon.
Chris also bought me a car. It’s a Jeep Wrangler and I absolutely love it. However, as our luck would have it, the engine went out on it the day after we bought it. And of course we bought it from an individual so we thought we were screwed, but alas God stepped in and made it right. The guy who sold us the car ended up sending us money to fix the engine, so we weren’t out anything. Chris ordered an engine and has been putting it in for the past week and a half by himself. He used to work as a jet mechanic so he has a basic knowledge of engines and whatnot. Praise God for that, as the labor costs would have been twice the amount we paid for the engine.
Easter was hard for me. I have always enjoyed Annadelle running to grab Easter eggs with her cousin, but she wasn’t able to do that this year. We decided to take her to the beach and put her on a sled we have and pull her around to find the eggs on the beach. We invited a few friends to come but they all declined so our Easter was rather lackluster. It just made me realize how much she isn’t able to participate in now which made me feel so much worse.
That feeling has improved slightly since Annadelle was able to get her new, lightweight wheelchair. She moves herself around a lot more now, especially around the house. It obviously doesn’t help at the beach or at a playground, but we are steadily praying that we need some major improvements with therapy.
As of the end of last week, Annadelle “walked” on a treadmill at therapy. She was in a harness with virtually no weight being placed on her lower extremities, but she was moving her legs in a walking motion without the help of anyone. I posted a video of this on my personal Facebook page that I hope to upload to YouTube soon for our readers to see. I’ll update when I get all the videos uploaded. Her therapist, Lisa, and myself were completely shocked. She had never gotten on the treadmill and moved her legs as she did. It was the first day in a long time that I felt a true sense of hope that she will one day walk again.
With that being said, Chris and I decided against putting her through a nerve transfer surgery. The short reason is because we just didn’t feel comfortable about it. If we change our minds, we’ll call Dr. Moore’s office to see if we can reschedule, as her surgery was scheduled for May 22. When I told Dr. Moore’s office we wanted to cancel, they didn’t ask why. A simple, “Ok, thanks,” and the conversation was over. It made me feel like my kid was just a number and they would move on to the next without hesitation.
I’m sure there’s a lot more to update about since I’ve been MIA from the blog for so long, but I’m exhausted and ready for a good night’s sleep. I just wanted to hop on with a quick update and a thank you to those who check on us periodically. The days and weeks following trauma are hard, but the months after are much harder. Reality sets in and you are often forgotten, so I just want to say a special thank you to those who have continued to keep our baby girl in your prayers. Our journey is far from over.