My last few posts have resulted in a lot of feedback from friends and family who I think are concerned that I am not dealing with my emotions in a healthy way. I want to assure anyone reading that I am aware I am likely experiencing severe depression, but I am in no way contemplating hurting myself or others. I promise I have not turned to drugs or alcohol, unless you consider a getting high on Christ a problem, in which case I’m guilty. :::wink:::
Seriously though, I want to clear something up. I know there are many AFM parents that read this blog. That is the main reason I created this blog to begin with- I want those parents to know they aren’t alone. I’m in the same boat. I’m crying every single night begging for recovery and healing. I’m so exhausted from moving her around constantly. I’m so unsure if I’m making the right decisions for her that I found myself biting my nails, something I haven’t done since grade school. I’m an absolute wreck. So if you’re a wreck, too, come join my little club. We can be weirdos together.
I want this blog to be as transparent as it can be. I have ups and many, many downs. That is normal. I worry. I’m anxious. I’m eating too much. I’m obsessively searching for stories of hope and recovery. I’m a hot mess. I’ve gone almost a week without a bath at times, but it’s ok. I’m adjusting to life as a special needs mom, and its no where near as pretty as the Lifetime movies make it out to be.
I’m trying to manage the downs by focusing on “work”. My “work” isn’t actually paid work, as my company is a start-up that has yet to make an income. However, I’m passionate about what I do and I will continue to do it whether it produces income or not.
If you’re just now following this blog, or if you’ve been following this blog and you just don’t know me very well, you may not know that I am the creator and host of Skeptical, a podcast that investigates stories of inmates who claim they have been wrongfully convicted. The first season of Skeptical explored the case of State of Alabama v. Daniel Blan who was convicted of capital murder of his adoptive father, Michael Bernos, in 1994. I have been investigating this case for close to two years now and have come to the conclusion that Daniel really is innocent.
Since discovering his innocence, I have been working to find him an attorney to help him file an appeal based on evidence I (along with a friend) collected since the podcast ended. There has been a lot of movement in the case since Season 1 ended and I am now working on Season 2. Season 2 of Skeptical will follow updates in Daniel’s case and will also explore the case of his co-defendant, Tony Quince, who I also believe to be innocent of the crime.
Not long ago, Christina (Daniel’s wife) was contacted by a major television network with an offer of possibly investigating Daniel and Tony’s cases for a popular television program. I contacted the producers of the show and have been trying my hardest to convince them to take this case to prove their innocence. The network would have a much wider scope of resources and, more importantly, funds!) in order to help exonerate Daniel and Tony.
As cuh-razy as it may sound, I have been working with a small group of friends to find evidence of who the real killer actually is. I have a working theory as to who the real killer is, and that person is currently NOT in prison.
Although we have been in the hospital for 5 months this past year, I have steadily been working on this case as I have had the time. While in Birmingham for rehab at Children’s Hospital, I took an Uber to meet with a well-known post-conviction attorney and pleaded for him to take this case. He declined due to his busy work schedule, but he asked that I keep him updated on my progress. I have since reached out to numerous innocence organizations on Daniel and Tony’s behalf. All of them have declined to take the case due to short staffing.
Anyway, I mention this case and my podcast because it is a reminder that although my life came to a halt, the world kept turning. I still have a purpose even if the devil has tried to convince me otherwise. I will never stop trying to find justice for these victims- the deceased, the family, and the two innocent men convicted of this crime.
If you’re interested in finding out more about this case, I invite you to listen to the first season of Skeptical. You can listen for free on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, or wherever podcasts are available. Click here to listen online.
I am not sure if I have mentioned that Annadelle’s 6th birthday is this week. My sweet girl will turn 6 years old on Thursday. I have been too stressed with finding her needed equipment that I have not had a chance to plan her birthday party, but I promised her I would work on it tomorrow. She wants to have a swim party so I am going to contact the rec center about possibly setting up something for the weekend after next.
Annadelle has made sure to tell me over and over again that she wants all of her classmates to come to her party. She got really sad today when she told me, “Mommy, I miss all of my friends really bad.” I just took a deep breath and told her, “I know, baby.” I assured her we would see them soon.
I prayed hard last night. I mean, I always do, but something was different about last night. I felt like I was finally being heard despite nothing changing today. I prayed for comfort, understanding, patience, and guidance. I feel as if I am being pulled in 100 different directions and am terrified I will make the wrong decision. I have felt so overwhelmed that I felt forgotten in a way.
But then I opened my phone to find the notification of today’s bible verse- 1 Corinthians 10:13. Over and over I read, “All you need to remember is that God will never let you down.” What a coincidence that this was today’s verse after feeling like God had not been true to his promises.
Here’s the thing, though: I don’t believe in coincidences.
Please continue to pray for Annadelle’s healing, specifically that she will walk again. Thanks for reading. <3